PART 1

How long have you liked cucumbers? Why?

I've liked cucumbers for most of my life, because they are bland and tasteless.

Do you think that you are sexy? If not, why not?

Of course I'm not sexy, any adjective invented after 1900 doesn't become me.

Could you tell me your thoughts on the education system?

The state education system is in a terrible mess, thanks to years of mismanagement by many governments. It needs complete reform, and no extra cash until that has happened. The secondary education exams system is appalling, and also needs to be completely radicalised. Private and public schools can ride out the storm for another few years, thankfully. If there's no change by then, they'll all start switching to IB or similar.

Could you tell me what you think of the government?

The current government was elected by the middle class and claims/ed to be in touch with the people, yet on so many issues it has ignored the wishes of the British public and has completely confused the middle class with its policy U-turns, stealth taxes, etc. However, as the only other viable option would be the Conservatives, I have to accept New Labour as the lesser of two evils.

You and I have been in many plays together. What do you consider to be your greatest acting triumph?

The Monkey's Paw stands out both for its brilliance and lack of professional input. If we're talking plays at BCMA, King Lear was one of my better ones. However, I may be overlooking something superb that I've simply forgotten about.

Have you any comments for your adoring fans?

My glove size is 7-8, and I need a new pair of leather ones, preferably British Army standard issue Northern Ireland shooting gloves.

Do you think that Dulwich [College] have aided you in your conquest [sic] to conquer the Earth?

Surely quest?

That too.

Yes, they have, by letting me use a rifle, teaching me how to give orders for people to sacrifice themselves to save me, and sending me off to spend time with the military. All this will come in useful when I finally storm the downstairs lavatory of No. 10.

Any career plans?

I'm not too ambitious, I'll settle for Lord Grand High Admiral-in-Chief of the Combined World Navies.

Is the Navy way of life the way to live?

Only if you join as an officer, and have no problem with discipline and order.

Do you have any problems with that?

I have problems imposing it, but I'm learning.

Is Blackadder really your inspiration?

Not inspiration. Idol.

PART 2 COMING SOON!